If you had told me a year ago today that I would still be in a pandemic state of mind today, I would have lmao’ed… I would be glad to know that I was still alive, and I would want to inquire about how the pandemic had unfolded. I could not imagine the state of limbo still existing. And here we are, and it does. Sure, things have changed, and mostly for the better. We have vaccines now, people I know and love are safe from the throngs of Covid-19. But here in BC we are still in a lockdown of sorts. We cannot gather with friends, we cannot go to movies, we cannot be in indoor public places without masks. The numbers of infection are on the rise. Hospital numbers are the highest they’ve been.
Let’s see if you can relate to any of this at all…
There is a promise of change ahead, a change to normalcy, but as you tiptoe closer to it an alarm sounds and you hear a resounding “NOT YET” in what you imagine is a angry and disappointed Dr. Bonnie Henry voice. It is not time to start feeling normal again. By the time you can, you hopefully will not have forgotten what normal looks like. You enjoy walks with the dog and relaxed interactions with your also half-vaccinated coworkers, but you still have to wear a mask in the van on outings. Restaurants are closed for inside dining, but there are patios open and the weather is magnificent… BUT YOU STILL CANNOT GATHER WITH FRIENDS ON SAID PATIOS. You want, no NEED, to be optimistic… you are feeling more worn that you realize and it comes out at odd times.
I work at a place where we are at higher risk of catching communicable diseases and we have changed a lot about how we do stuff. We wash our hands A LOT more and I have not had even a cold since last spring. Amazing. My work has gone on and I have been there, just in a new office now. I was here in the early days of the pandemic. I felt the anxiety of walking through doorways to communal living with vulnerable people. I felt the loss of supports for our guys, so I made sure I was here to be a support in any way I could. My job hasn’t changed that much. It feels pretty normal. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to have a job. I am grateful for my lovely coworkers that contribute in a very positive way to my mental health.
I have a dog that likes walks. I like walks, most of the time. I go on hikes twice a week with guys at work, sometimes easy and sometimes intense (for me). This gets me outside a lot. It is a very good thing. While walking I listen to podcasts sometimes, music others, and while I did a free trial the apple fitness “walk with me” stories. I sometimes listen to the breeze on the water and the seagulls chattering above me. I overhear conversations and stories and parenting and dog discipline. I also get to talk to guys who have lived fuller lives than they’ve liked… often with regret and trauma attached to their memories… but I get to talk to them about the present, the future, their dreams and the hope that keeps us going… This is all a gift to me. I live in a place where I have ocean front walks literally outside my door, and I get paid to hike to peaks in an area we can see Mt. Rainer to the Northern Rocky Mountains on a clear day. What a gift. This often sustains me in the midst of my own self-pity and whatever other negative thoughts and feelings might creep in.
The sun is shining. We have had a particularly warm and sunny April and it’s amazing. I haven’t had too many migraines either (it’s migraine season for me when the air pressure raises). It’s time to take care of our gardens. My green thumbed hubby got a garden allotment in Vic West and has been weeding and planting – getting his hands in the dirt, and is so happy because of it. I have helped chop up green stuff for compost and plan the garden. We have a GREAT patio facing south and have some containers for gardening. I have my mum’s two rose bushes and her strawberry plant. We have our BBQ ready and we have now officially started the grilling season.
I just want to have people over and share it with others.
I really miss friends. Zoom is great, it works well for D&D and time with friends and family far away, but when people are in the same city… blocks away… it sucks. I long for the laughter of groups and the trailing conversations that naturally happen. I haven’t played a board game with more than two players for a while. When was the last time we said “cheers” and clinked glasses? I never would have guessed I’d miss that, but I do. But then there’s this little part of me that wonders if I am just scaffolding reality with fantasy. I mean, will seeing people in person again really fill me up the way I imagine it will? Will I be more socially awkward now because of a year of less group communication? Am I as witty and entertaining to others as I am to Chris? Okay, that one I know… I’m not. LOL. But, do you get what I’m talking about? Will those gatherings that we’ve all waited so long for miss the mark in real life? Will the lack of interaction and the weird loneliness continue? I hope not.
We were meant to go on our honeymoon trip to the UK last May. That got cancelled. Then when we thought maybe we can get tickets again, we got some for Sept / October. Then that got cancelled. Now we are hoping to go at Christmas. Who knows. We are also talking about going to Whitehorse this summer to see family. We are hoping all this will happen, but will it? I have not left the island in more than a year. Let that sink in.
Thank God for streaming services. We have watched soooooo much stuff. Most of it good. We can’t go to movies, but we have zoomed movies with friends. Here’s a list of my favourites. We watched 100 Humans on Netflix party in the beginning of the pandemic. Then it’s all a blur timewise… We watched Rev. about an inner city Anglican priest in London. We watched Fleabag, which had a similar storyline, not really LOL. The Alienist, Trapped, His Dark Materials, Veronica Mars (rewatch for me), Tales from the Loop, High Fidelity, The Rook, Hannah, Little Fires Everywhere, Upload, Trying, Catastrophe, and Welcome to Sweden. I loved Ted Lasso. It took me a few episodes to get into it. The most successful Korean drama ever, Crash Landing on You. Epically K-drama. We’re still watching The Expanse, Schitt’s Creek (rewatch for Chris), and Dickenson, and we just started Raised by Wolves… not sure about that one. We watched the last season and the last episode (teardrop emoji) of Kim’s Convenience last week. We’re still watching Zoey’s (I forget the rest of the title) where she hears heartsongs. We enjoyed Men in Kilts, and the banter. We started Good Girls, but got bored. I watched Shameless without Chris, He watched Superstore, The Great, and Seinfeld without me… but we mostly watch together. I am sure there are other things we watched. I can’t think of it all. We did see some good cheesy Christmas movies that were filmed in Victoria and saw extras we know. We cancelled cable in the middle of a pandemic, and yet probably watched more than I have any year before. All the choices are great, and streaming has made life more bearable, but I am ready to not watch anything for a while.
Have I mentioned that Chris and I are looking for a new place? We have been for a while, but it is getting more real. I have quiet moments in the day when I look at condos (and lately houses that we really can’t afford) and imagine. This Saturday, I was listening to an episode of the Mockingbird podcast, whilst on a before mentioned dog walk near the water. They were talking about an article about millennials and the housing market and a SNL skit. We don’t have Zillow in Canada, but we do have SNL and I watched the one about “Zillow porn.” I relate. The idea of looking at houses online and imagining a life in them being similar to dollhouses really hit me. I am perfectly content (89% of the time) in our little 440 square feet condo, with an amazing patio. Truly. I can walk to work, Chris can bike to work on the Goose, we have great places to walk (as before mentioned) and groceries, pubs and tacos nearby. It’s ideal in many ways, but when I think of being able to open drawers with clothes (currently using fabric boxes from IKEA) and sleep in a king bed, and have doors to bedrooms… I get nesty. We cannot live in this place we are in now forever. We won’t. But there is something about this pandemic where people are home more and therefore home is more important.
And the end is like the beginning in that it’s a new thing we are experiencing and a new life to strive for. In the beginning of this pandemic, it was finding peace and hope in the difficulty and figuring out how to not get sick and prevent others from getting sick. Now, as we face the slow end to it, we still have to find peace and hope, trusting that we can feel normal again soon. Gratitude seems to abate fear and negativity, so here are my gratitudes for the pandemic year. 1. A partner to share time and space and love with. 2. A job where I get to be part of helping community and making lives better – all the time. 3. That vaccine science will save lives including mine.
That’s all (for now).
karlamarlablog 