Warning: Proper Rambling Ahead.
Hello friends. It’s been a long time. I haven’t visited these pages since November of 2018.
2019 was an epic year in that I am a very different person now, with a different name even. A quick recap: I started 2019 with friends and family… went to the Keg with Mum on New Year’s Eve, in fact. Then in February of 2019 she got a diagnosis of lung cancer. I was there with her through the tests and procedures, surgery and healing… she was getting better and her condo renovations were coming in the summer. She got a cold and was pretty sick on her 80th birthday, and then it turned into viral pneumonia. That’s hard enough to fight, but her diminished lung capacity made it even harder. I waited overnight with her in the emergency room, and visited her every day while the doctors tried to figure out what was going on. My strongest woman in the world mum was not doing so well, but we all knew she was going to get better…
We’d been planning a road trip to San Diego so Chris could meet Peter and his family and some friends down there, and so we could have a bit of a holiday. I arranged for friends to visit my mum in hospital and her friend Teresa was ready to take her home from the hospital when they released her. It was a hard trip down because the hospital doctor (who came to be known by the nickname Dr. Gloom) in the hospital said she was likely to die soon… I asked her nurse straight out how much warning we would have of her death and she said about a week, so we decided to go on out trip… after many tears in an Oregon gas station parking lot. My amazing friends here went to go visit her in my absence, and she and I and she and Peter and she and ALL OF US FaceTimed a lot while we were down there.
We also had a car accident down there (that was decided was my fault and I have no way to argue it) where they considered my car a total loss, so when we got home we had to get a new car. And we came back and the reality was Mum was getting worse. I visited her every day in the hospital after we returned, was there with her when she got bad news and when there were occasional glimmers of hope. She was determined to be alive and present for our wedding in November, but that was looking less and less likely. In fact, she did die before… On September 4, 2019 at 11:11 pm. I was there. Peter was there. Chris and Kate (Peter’s wife) were there. Paul (my friend / pastor) was there. We sang hymns. We laughed. We cried. That night might get more attention later in a full blog post all about what went down… but for now, I’ll move on.
Pause for a deep breath.
Then we had the funeral and started the process of clearing out her place. And then it was all about the wedding.
The wedding: Chris and I got married on November 9, 2019. It was amazing. No day can ever be truly perfect, in my experience, but that day was close. It was so overwhelming to see the faces of my life… the people who have made me who I am (with a few exceptions, as not everyone could be there) looking back at me as I married this man. Chris has many amazing traits, and those of you who know him will understand… he’s funny and sweet and kind and smart and perfect for me. That day was a culmination and also establishment of our lives together. Faith stole the show, we got some pictures I don’t absolutely hate, I saw people I hadn’t seen in over 20 years, we received God’s blessing on our choice to do life together. It was beautiful.
Then it was the busy Christmas season and New Year’s again.
And now it’s February and the cherry blossoms and crocuses are blooming in Victoria. AND IT’S MIGRAINE SEASON FOR KARLA.
Another pause for a deep breath and now a little slow down… recap complete. Now we start for realsies.
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am, and in that reflecting some on who I was. Back in the first week of January, Chris and I sat down to do a year in review. I looked at all the calendar entries that said, “mum’s doctor appointment” and fell quickly into the ugly cry. I had a cathartic “memorial” cry, then we quickly moved on to plans for this year. What do we want more of? What do we want less of? I have had more time to think and I feel like the chaos of and the refocus brought about by 2019 made me forget a bit about who I am. I didn’t read much. I cried much more. I had many good times with friends and family, but the times with friends and family took over. My understanding of my work shifted, in fact the guys I spent the most time with at work changed. My “homefront” changed as I have a new roommate and a new kitten. I didn’t go swimming – like really swimming – like counting lengths swimming. There are a lot of new things I really like and I am so grateful for… but I need to remember the old things about me that I loved and that made me who I am.
I need to look forward to where I am going, but I also really need to look back a bit and remember where I have been, who I was, and make sure to preserve the things that were important to me, about me. I need to look through the windshield and at the rearview mirror.
Those of you who have done some recovery work might be familiar with the term “rearview mirror thinking.” This is where someone in recovery dwells on the past, either by glamourizing it like “ah, the good ol’ days…” or lamenting over mistakes and regrets, which can debilitate anyone. Alternatively, people try to forget the past and move on completely, sometimes cutting themselves off completely. When we are trying to move on in life and embracing sobriety or life change, it’s important to look forward more than look back, but we can’t forget where we came from. When you’re driving, you need to look forward mostly, through the big windshield in front of you, and occasionally back through the little mirror. When you’re changing lanes or turning, you need to make sure that things are safe all around. So, because so much is changing for me, I need to look back and look around. I think this year’s theme for me is remembering who I was and who I am. Last year took me away from myself a bit, not that there was anything I could have done to prevent that, and not that it was unhealthy… but I need to come back and keep going.
So what were the things about me that I loved the most? Hmmmmm. I think stories and books and music and movies and staying up late writing and taking Faith for long walks by the sea and around a lake and swimming and concerts and pubs with the girls and slow times mixed with fast times and feeling proud of what I do for a living and summer beach volleyball on the roof of a pub and drinking wine on a Friday night and then sleeping in on a Saturday and then making breakfast whilst listening to music that moves me and loving romance and Romance and run on sentences. I have so many visceral memories of all those things. Of me doing those things, breathing, yearning, seeking, finding, and learning.
Breathe. Where is this headed, Karla…?
Last night we went to hear Mandy Len Catron speak about her article in the New York Times about 36 questions that can produce closeness and in many cases help people to fall in love. Back before I met Chris, I had discovered this modern love podcast, and read about this “recipe for love,” anxious to try it. And I remember laying at the Sooke Pot Holes with my cousin Karmen and talking about falling in love. Then when I met Chris we did this reciprocal questioning over texts… sort of a deep question and a shallow question trade off to help us get to know each other. We made up those questions, taking turns… For example, “What is your favourite breakfast cereal?” and then, “What are your favourite things about yourself?” We went deep but we also asked silly questions. After all, we are deep people who also want to experience brevity. There might have even been some questions about turn ons and fantasies and stuff. GASP!!! Then, for our first Christmas together, I made him a board game based on the 36 questions Mandy talked about in her article, plus some others that I thought would elicit romance and love. I made a board game. So, making board games and trying new things and being creative. That is who I was. When was the last time I did something like that?
So, now… I am on my lunch break at work. I am staring out a beautiful blue sky. I am looking back a little bit. I am also looking forward. This week we’re taking a mini-break. We’re road-tripping. I’m going to see some of the dearest people on the planet this week… we will talk and philosophize and pontificate and ruminate.
I will look all directions as I move forward. And this is my plan. I will reminisce and reflect and remember me. I will fall in love with me again and then, when I get there, I will see that I am still me and that hasn’t changed. That I do love me and my life now… I just have had a rough time followed by a very happy time recently – but those times changed me and took me to a new place. I need to explore this new place with the old me.
I will continue on. I will not be stopped by seasonal barometric migraines.
That’s all (for now).
karlamarlablog 