Loading… (slowing it down)

Okay, so this blog has become my land of reflection on all things romantic and a place to process the emotions. The musings and ramblings of my heart and emotional state live here.  You’re here because you’re curious, you like my self-deprecating banter, you’re living vicariously (you’re bonkers) through the roller coaster that is my love life currently, or you’re just a good friend who wants to know what I’ve written about today… in any case, welcome and thanks for your patronage.

I’m going to use an awkward metaphor.  I bet you will figure it out in no time at all.

I am currently installing a shiny new application. I haven’t figured out how it all works yet, but I am attempting to see if it runs well with my current OS.  Recently, I had some problems with a seemingly great program that ended up needing a “force quit,” and I have since restarted the computer.  I then tried installing a few other free apps from the App Store, but they were all less than compatible with my current settings.  Now, I am running only one program at a time to ensure it runs well and doesn’t cause the OS to crash.

It is quite likely that with that other program, I was hitting “refresh” too frequently and that is part of what caused it to crash.  I might have been too much RAM for that unstable app.  I might have been impatient with the install and rushed the usage, but If that app had been as well designed as it appeared to be and if it had performed as it claimed it would, truly functionally, there would have at least been a pop-up warning that the program had crashed, asking me whether I wanted to send a report to Apple.

“What is good start up speed for this particular program?” you ask.  It appears to be running slightly slowly at the moment, but online tutorials assure me that with patience and the right commands, it might be a program that runs seamlessly in this environment.  So, the previous application ran too quickly and crashed, burned and left some damage on the hard drive.  I have run some diagnostic tools and deleted the remnants of the malware, and I have sworn that I am going to be more cautious and deliberate when running new applications.

So, now, the potential speed of this particular application is currently unknown, other than in it’s “terms and agreements” it made it very clear that rushing the installation is unacceptable and that a slow boot up would result in better functionality.  I am unfamiliar with this kind of program.  I am used to programs that boot quickly and work really well at first, and then bugs start to show up.  Before I even discovered this new application, I had decided that I wanted a slower but more functional technology.  I am interested in a more reliable program, even though this new design is unfamiliar to me and it isn’t quite as intuitive (at first) as I would like.

I am fairly certain that this new software is perhaps the best software I have seen released in quite a while, but it is a new kind of software to me.  It is understated and has a kind of technology that in the past I thought might not suit me.  Now, however,  I am revamping my priorities in what constitutes a good application.

My question to you, my IT team, is how do I wait for the program to load fully while I am desperate to use the application now? I know that I have to wait, and really waiting for it to be fully functional is the best way to know if it really suits me, but how do I let the software run on its own without trying to force it?

I really want this software to work, and I can see it being a long lasting and very supportive program in light of my IT needs.

Any ideas, either in metaphor or not, are welcome.

That’s all (for now)

Learning how to move on

So, you all read my “letter to my ghost” last week… Thanks so much for your support, kind words, late night messaging, prayers, love, etc.  I am blessed to have such a great group of friends and family.

So, last week I was kind of bonkers.  I was in this void of emotion at the same time as being overwhelmed with emotion.  I had trouble being at home alone and even watching TV was hard.  Everything reminded me of him, which reminded me of his absence, which reminded me of what I did wrong, which made me feel bad, which made me lose hope of ever being that happy again, which was a downward cycle.  I went back on the dating sites, more cautiously this time, and started messaging guys like crazy.  I wasn’t really that interested in any of the guys, and no one could compare to him anyways… so, it was just pure distraction.

I have now gone out with four guys on dates, and I’ve learned from each of them more about me and what I want.  So, because I am who I am and feel the strange need to share my innermost thoughts with you, here goes.

1. We’ll call him horndog.  He was determined to get together and was open and honest about his intentions… He wanted something physical.  SO NOT ME.  But, he was sweet in a weird way and it seemed like there was potential.  He was very keen (persistent) to meet, so I did.  We kissed.  It was awful.  It was all about him.  It was like I was just a body, not a person.  We talked a bit and cuddled, but I felt nothing, except missing my ghost more (in fact I even texted him and told him how much I missed him… PATHETIC)
2. We’ll call him the pro-wrestler philosopher.  He was very different in real life.  I couldn’t recognize him, in fact.  PEOPLE, USE RECENT PICS ON YOUR DATING PROFILE!!! We met at Timmie’s and we had a great philosophical discussion where he talked 80% of the time.  He told me about his days as a pro-wrestler and how he had been famous in Asia… he complimented me a lot, which was nice, and he was keenly interested in more… but again, I felt nothing.
3. We’ll call him Mr. Real Potential: (This is the exciting part here… the “yay, there’s hope!” part) We met at Starbucks and talked forever, but it felt like no time passed.  We have so much in common and I caught myself staring into his eyes a few times.  I was still thinking about my ghost, but the comparisons were changing a bit… this new guy was kind of winning.  (We’ve been texting like crazy since and I have to say he’s winning even more now).  We spoke openly and honestly, and WE TALKED.  No kissing, but a nice hug.  We talked about what we hope for, a little about past relationships, but not too much… I drove him home because he usually busses and ten minutes after I dropped him off he texted.  I laugh out loud when we text.  He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s tall and cute… so, theres that.
4. We’ll call him the awkward sailor:  He is retired navy and kind of feeling at a loss for what to do with his life now.  He was OVERLY polite.  Shook my hand.  Come on, seriously? We talked for a bit, and I was just thinking about how I could get home… even though what he was saying was interesting, I was not present.  I feel a bit guilty about that.  I probably should have cancelled on him, but I have been telling myself that I need to date a few guys without getting emotionally involved. (Also, Mr. Real Potential made it clear that he wanted to go slowly.  Me too.  I don’t want an instant-relationship, no matter how much I kind of want an instant-relationship.)  So, after an hour of talking about the navy and what we’re looking for, I told him I better get going.  He asked if we could get together again… WHAT SHOULD I HAVE SAID?  I said, “sure.” and regretted it instantly.  I will not ghost him, I promise, but I will have to let him down somehow.  He then asked to give me a hug.  So, I learned here that I want a guy who knows what he wants… goes for it, politely, and doesn’t ask permission for everything.  This guy was nice, and I hope he meets a great woman… it’s just not me.

So, there you have it.

I am currently in a state of confusion a bit, thinking about my ghost when I am choosing what to watch on TV.  I still can’t watch any of the shows we watched together… I got rid of his favourite pop that I’d bought for him.  I am still a bit broken and tender at the moment, but I am having great conversations with Mr. Real Potential and excited about the direction we’re going.

Moving on is hard, and I guess trying to rush it is foolish, but I want to get out of the pain. I recall something I learned in a chaplaincy course on loss, death, and grief.  When we have loss, we need to mourn it and we can’t just escape the pain. From despair to reorganization to reinvestment.  We have to go through it, through the muck to climb out on the other side.  I don’t know exactly where I am currently, in the muck or in the incline out of the muck, but I am alive and I see that there is hope for me yet.

That’s all (for now)

Dear Ghost, I don’t hate you…

Okay, so this summer I met a guy and we had an intense texting relationship for a few weeks before he moved here, and then when we met… FIREWORKS.  It was great.  We hit it off… really well, and I was already feeling like I wanted things to be long term with him before I ever met him… and then his kisses… and our time together… we spent almost every day together.  He was, in a word, dreamy.

As you (who know me best) all know, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and a persistently difficult thing about being ENFP is this (sometimes incorrect) optimism that everything will be great and you’ll live happily ever after… in other words giving parts of your heart away too quickly.  I am “all or nothing” at the best and worst of times, and it often hurts me more than it helps.  I was also trying to be more open.  He seemed to be okay with some mild early freak outs and was persistent in his presence in my life. He gave me no reason to hold back… except now when I think back on it, he did.  I didn’t want to see it.  I wanted to keep my rose coloured glasses attached firmly to my eyeballs.

He was gentle and romantic, tender and sweet, but he rarely spoke.  Even when I told him that I needed words from him to reassure me, he would respond with kisses.  I’m expressive and open with how I feel.  I know it can be overwhelming, but I can only be me…  He is kind of the opposite of me in many ways.  Quiet and reserved… very private.  I’m realizing, though, in the (cut throat) world of online dating it might be smart to be so.  He was very affectionate at first and then we decided to slow down… it was too much too fast.  My thoughts at the time were “KEEPER!!!” and I didn’t see this was also maybe him pulling away a little.  Then the affection became more and more tempered to the point of a “married 30 years couple.”  Yeah.

So, this past weekend I kind of had a melt down telling him that I needed him to use words (again) to tell me how he feels… (My love languages are firmly words of affirmation and physical touch, by the way) and I thought he’d think about it and express himself more… nope.  When I asked questions, his answer was always “Maybe” or “Good question.”  At one point he said, “I can’t control how you feel.”  I wasn’t asking for anything more than a check in.  A “I’m not sure where we’re headed, but I like spending time with you” would have sufficed. It might have stung a bit, but at least I would have known where we stood.  In hindsight, my (uncharacteristic) neediness was most definitely in response to his lack of communication.

So, the next day we went to one of my favourite places for a walk.  I left Faith at home so we could connect more, and yet there was no hand holding, no romance… just two people hiking and not talking.  When I took him to the waterfall, he wanted pictures taken of him, but no pictures of us.  So, you know me… I’m bold and speak my mind usually, right… I didn’t say a thing.  I should have said, “Hey let’s take a picture together.” and I should have grabbed his hand… but maybe I kind of knew that things were off?  Or more likely I was wanting him to take the lead so I could see where he was really at…  Then on Sunday, he went to church with me and then we had lunch and a nice goodbye, complete with “see you later”s “text you later”s and good kisses… then we texted that night, I shared how I felt silly for not being content and that when I thought of him I was content.  He sent his usual “super happy smiley emoji” and later I got a “sweet dreams” text at bedtime… and then yesterday (and so far today) radio silence.

I thought there was nothing to worry about all day yesterday, until it was after his work time and I didn’t hear from him.  Then I started to think the worst… He’s hurt… someone in his family died (he’s very close to his family) or … but there was this itch… He’s not interested anymore.  I’d scared him off.  I took Faith for a walk and could hardly breathe.  I was so shaken by his silence.

Then when I got back from the walk, I googled “when a man just stops texting” and I found website after website about this modern dating thing called ghosting.

So this is a thing… men (especially, but women too) who just “turn it off” and stop communicating.  And why? Because it’s less painful for “the ghost” than having to tell the person that they’re not interested anymore.  I think in this case, he probably couldn’t find the words, or perhaps couldn’t be bothered.  Supposedly it doesn’t reflect on me, but on him.  Supposedly it’s more a picture of his immaturity and inability to face his feelings. Part of me feels bad for him because I am sure he feels bad about it and maybe even regrets the way he ended things, but the other part of me wants to yell at him about how to treat women.  Thankfully, the primary instinct is not anger… sadness, but not anger.

Okay, so here it is…  when a guy who is super introverted, reserved, and private gets into a relationship with someone like me, he is in unchartered waters.  He likes the difference, we balance each other, etc… and it might be exciting at first… and then when I emotionally vomit on him, it might be overwhelming, but if he really cares he would deal with it and respond… instead this guy, my ghost, felt the need to run away… that’s kind of sad for him, right?  I mean… I’m fun and I am passionate and I have a great life to share with someone.  If he’s not ready to share, and he doesn’t think he will be, well, he has every right to back off.

He didn’t, however, have the right to just disappear.  I think it’s so uncaring and cold and he is better than this; he is loving and sweet… at least he was.  So, one question on my mind… Is the loving and sweet guy real, or is the guy who disappears without any communication knowing that I was falling in love with him real??? They can’t both be real…  I think this is what hurts the most.  Did I ever really know him?  If he had true feelings for me (which he said he did) would he have done this?

But here’s the rub… he might not see how great I actually could be for him.  He might not feel that we’re compatible, he might not have the guts to tell me to my face… but I still appreciate the time we had together and the lessons I learned from him about me.

Here’s what he taught me (that I needed to be reminded of):

• I am hot (in my own way) and men are sometimes attracted to me
• My life is pretty great and I have a lot to offer
• I’m looking for someone expressive and who wants to talk
• I dig binge watching stuff with a guy whilst cuddling
• I feel things quickly and might need to figure out a way to slow this down (tips?)
• I like variety in the things I do with my guy (not just binge watching TV)
• I want a guy who can meet my friends and not be awkward (he did, he was)
• I don’t mind burping and farting, and even snoring (if he’s the right guy) Hahaha.

So, all in all, it was a good learning experience, I guess.  Am I done crying over him? NO WAY.  Am I still hoping that maybe he’s not ghosting me but just taking a few days to figure stuff out? KINDA.  Will this stop me from living my great life? NOT AT ALL.

So thank you ghost for our time together and for what you taught me about me.

That’s all (for now)