Okay, so there’s this thing I do where I don’t say how I really feel, or when I have said what I really feel and get a bad reaction, I apologize. Yeah. I do that, more than I should. I mean, I occasionally have moments of crazy, and I try to cover them up with humour or self-deprecating antics… all so I can save face. Not my favourite thing about myself.
I fear rejection, more than the average person, I believe. Although, I don’t know. Perhaps you fear rejection too, and are just better at hiding it, or have learned better how to avoid it. Or maybe, just maybe I’M NORMAL???? Last week, after a stressful few weeks and just before taking a bit of a break from things (thanks Easter long weekend) I had a bit of an “aha moment” about why I fear people turning on me… and, of course, is rooted in a childhood trauma. I won’t dig up all the details here, but I will say that anyone who knows me well knows exactly what I am talking about. There was this constant fear of saying the wrong thing, or even being completely honest about how I felt and the terrible, alienating response I would get, and did in fact get, from someone who SHOULD have been there for me unconditionally.
So, as a result of that, I have become someone who doesn’t always say what I think in fear of losing someone important, or even worse, perhaps is when I try to say what I feel but it comes across wrong or I start out saying it well and then go sideways, and end up not expressing myself at all. “Nevermind,” “Sorry,” or “I don’t know what I’m saying” are things I utter or type when I don’t know how to express what I really need to. Of course, this only happens in moments where being able to say what I feel or express my thoughts authentically is really important to me. The person I am communicating with likely has no idea what came over me, and wonders if I’ve completely lost it.
Maybe this is a surprise to you? I know that I am almost always expressive and open… sometimes too much so, but when it comes to serious stuff or when I’ve been working through something big, or especially needing to say something important to people that matter the most to me… that’s when I screw it up. Maybe this is a common experience? I’ve had a few tough conversations recently about the core of my identity and beliefs, and I know that I cannot be all things to all people. I can only be myself. I can only do me. So, I have to be authentic or it’s a farce. The thing I’m trying to figure out now is how to do that, without becoming a babbling idiot.
You, the dear ones who actually clicked on this and have not given up on my rant thus far, thank you. I think an authentic part of me being me is my need to put in writing what I am thinking. I think tomorrow when I wake up, I will have a better idea of what I need to do and what I need to say to people who are kind of naysaying me. I need to be able to graciously defend what I know to be true. Not apologetically, but graciously. If I am constantly apologizing for my thoughts and feelings, I am not valuing them, perhaps not even valuing myself. That’s not authentically me, because I have strong opinions, and I know that my feelings are valid. The tact part – that’s the hard part.
Okay, so all I have to do is this: I need to know what I want to say about things, and then I need to say it articulately and honestly. I need to have a spine and not “cave” when under pressure. Easy, right? Ummmmm, I can’t help but think of all the chick lit I’ve read and the rom coms I’ve watched where the lovable but fallible heroine, fumbles through a presentation, a job interview, a romantic confession, or in the case of my favourite Bridget Jones, just about all parts of life. I can really relate to Bridget. But, no matter how much I adore watching Miss Jones stumble through life, I don’t want to do that anymore, IN REAL LIFE. I want to be able to stand up and express what I REALLY think and not fear what others will say or think, especially because I know I am right. I know that this particular thing that is weighing on me is something I am 100% right about.
And, here’s the worst part. I have these trends of behaviour when I am “in it” (Garden State) where I lash out at people who are NOT in any way related to the thing that’s weighing on me, or someone who has actually been a great support to me in the midst of this struggle. That makes the whole thing worse. It’s like cross contamination? The toxic (maybe too strong of a word, yes) communication has filtered into all my relationships? Yikes. I really need to get a grip on this.
I am in defence mode. Eeeew. I see other people doing this in movies or TV or whatever, and I think, “how pathetic.” So, I researched on Google “what makes people defensive?” and the results taught me something. Thanks, Google. There are two things. First, is pride: we get defensive when we feel our pride is under attack. Second, when we really think that maybe what the person is saying is true. Even worse, sometimes we think we know what the other person is saying and are completely wrong. He or she might not be saying that at all, but our pride (or feeling of being attacked) flares up and we get defensive. See that nutshell? I’m in it.
So, no big answers here, other than continuing to crack that nut. I want to be fully ME. Learning how.
That’s all (for now).
karlamarlablog 